4.14.2014

Hubby Jack: The King of Potty Training

Ok, I’m putting my cards on the table.

Go fish

THIS is a sponsored post…I rarely do sponsored posts, but when the good people at Cottenelle approached my good people, I couldn't refuse…based on the potential for poop jokes...and the fact that their new flushable wipes are just like me because they we both have a huggable softness that goes a long way...However, unlike me, they are alcohol free.

Wow, his integration is seamless. 

This also tied in with a topic I was going to write about this week, which is how I potty trained both the kids…so I figured, what the H-E double hockey sticks,  I’ll try it and see how it hurts my street cred.

You have no street cred.

Perfect, put the check in the mail, let’s begin.

Being the modern male I am, I try to be an active Dad.  Helping with diaper changing has become one of my main responsibilities because Holly’s newest response to a dirty diaper is, “I JUST CAN’T..” while shaking her head and waving her arms. (Moments later she usually has the audacity to say she wants another baby…yeah, I’m not busy enough and guess what, after my vasec, “I JUST CAN’T…”)

Also, I didn’t know you could say “I JUST CAN’T…” when she demanded the entire house be painted in 2 days…but, now I know what to say next time she thinks we should spend any holiday with her side of the family.

Anyway, I was appointed king of getting the kids potty trained and they both became the potty all stars of their classes in day care.  They both learned in about 2-3 days and so can you if you follow these "4 special steps!” (sang to the tune of Special Agent Oso, the worst show on Disney)

1. Kids use the regular toilet.  No having them deuce in a kid’s potty shaped like Elmo’s mouth.  You want to get them using a real potty, because that’s what they will be doing the rest of their lives.  I see those kid’s potties as a crutch…and thing that the dog will try and eat of at some point.

2. NO PULL UPS.  Why would you have a kid wear a diaper when you are trying to get them out of diapers??….that’s like giving a meth head some speed to help him break the addiction.  No, we are going to underwear city.  When your child first pees in underwear, they will realize it’s uncomfortable.  There is also the element of getting cool Ninja Turtle underwear instead of wearing a smelly diaper like a baby. Forget maturity, the main motivation for potty training is not paying for diapers, so stop buying diapers of any kind.

3. Put them on the toilet a lot.  When we decided to initiate project, PEE PEE IN POTTY, I cleared my schedule (aka paused Netflix) and did nothing but put the kids on the potty every ten minutes.  Law of averages states that if you put them on the potty enough times, they are bound to go at some point, which leads to my next notion.

4. Get crazy excited when they do use the toilet. Being a man, it’s hard to externally express emotion…unless you are screaming at a football game.  But, the thing I have found useful with kids and dogs alike is to act SUPER excited when they finally do go.  You can even use a reward like candy because you know what they say, out with the old and in with the new!  And when helping with the cleanup, I used the Cottonelle fresh care flushable cleansing cloths.  They were just like the wipes the kids were used to and these are great because you can flush them and it won’t clog the toilet.


And that’s basically it, I wouldn't say there is anything magic.  Changing your child a bunch and cleaning up a mess sucks, but try not to make it a negative experience… if you remind yourself with perspective that this will make life better in the long run, you will get through it…also drinking helps.

Now, I know this what worked for ME.  I’m not saying I’m the potty czar, because I know that everyone is different, but those steps have worked for all the kids I fathered...so let me know YOUR secrets! 


Many thanks to Cottonelle for sponsoring my post today, and keeping my bum clean.

4.01.2014

The Walking Dead vs LOST...the final showdown

Hey there bloggettes.

Today I'm taking a break from mockery and fitness resentment to expose a TV battle.

I only read about jogging and eating vegetables...those ideas are still new!

Like millions of people, I have fallen in DVR love with The Walking Dead.  It's my favorite show on TV right now and will probably be known, as one of the most innovative shows of all time.

Pump the breaks there Romeo...wait, why did I call him Romeo?

However, every time I watch the show, I think about LOST.  I see a lot of similarities with the characters, story and general "wandering around" that the shows consist of.

Holly was always the HUGE LOST fan in our relationship.  She even had a LOST beer pong table in college...that kind of geekery is very hot...even if she isn't a geek.


So today, I am hosting the final showdown between each show's characters.  It's almost scary how similar each "type" of person is portrayed on the shows.

I will be the judge and jury of each round....LET'S GET IT ON.


Rick vs Jack


Two dudes thrown into the leader role.  Taking care of their group with a heavy heart and annoying woman by their side.  I'm very biased on this one because RICK IS A BAD-ASS.  I know LOST lovers, Jack had a lot of cool in him too...but he kind of had a little bit of Ross from Friends in his personality...this round goes to RICK.

Daryl vs Sawyer


The lone wolves, the B A MOFO's, the guys with just the perfect amount of facial hair.  These two stole the hearts of ladies and refused to play by anyone's rules but their own.  They both specialize in giving squinty mean looks and saying almost nothing...Daryl is everyone's favorite character and he's barely in the show.  However, this round goes to SAWYER; he wooed Kate, never buttoned the top five buttons on his shirt, and always gave amazing nicknames.

Lori vs Kate


Ugh, both these women are the worst.  They don't support their men, they hook up with other dudes and Lori never even knows where her son is!  I don't know why each character was made so unlikable, but there is no winner in this round...only losers which are the viewers.

Glenn vs Jin


No, I didn't group them together because they were both Asian!  They were just both side characters who have a lot of similarities.  Both are in good relationships and have good women.  Both are meek and timid yet become tough when necessary.  But, there can be only one winner....which is GLENN for hooking up with Maggie.

Locke vs Hershel


The wise, older advisers who each had trouble walking at one point.  I was and and still am confused what John Locke was...is he dead, is he a ghost thing, love child of the smoke monster maybe?  I don't know but I thought he was a little bossy.  Hershel on the other hand is the grandpa you love and says Rick's name really funny, and therefore, HERSHEL is the winner.

Siadh vs Michonne


Both these cats had mysterious backgrounds.  You didn't know what to think of either one until you learned their story and fell in like with them.  They are both amazing killers and yet, have a big heart under the tough outside.  This is very hard, but I am going to have to go with MICHONNE because she kept zombies as pets and has a sword.

And there you have it...if you are getting ready to be mad that I didn't include someone...trust me...I KNOW OTHER PEOPLE ARE IMPORTANT.

I could have written a book about each match-up, but that's not good Intronet reading.

But, I've very curious to hear what you think about the match-ups or the shows in general!...leave me a comment giving me your thoughts.  Who's your fave or most hated characters??

Also, don't forget to check out a NEW Insert Pop Culture Reference Here!

Listen to us on iTunes, Stitcher or at our website HERE.

3.25.2014

Tutorial Tuesday: Adjusting Your Header Position

It's the triumphant return of Tutorial Tuesday and we are easing back into this edumacation with a simple trick that can make your blog look more professional and let readers see the content of your posts immediately.

Today I'll be talking about how to adjust the height of your header in Blogger.

There is no manual adjustment for the header placement, so I'll get you the css code, which will allow you to adjust the height of the header image.

Just to kick things off, here is an example of what I mean.

The standard Blogger templates place space between your header image and top of the page.


And here is my current page with the css code.  The header is tight to the top of the page.


The first thing you will want to do is go to your Blogger LAYOUT and select TEMPLATE DESIGNER.


Next, you will choose ADVANCED then click on ADD CSS.


Then, you will paste this code below into the white box, like in the sample above.

#header {
margin-top: -25px;

}

This should move your current header image up.  However, if you want to move it up further towards the top of the page, simply replace the -25 with a higher number...like -35.  So, the code would then look like:

#header {
margin-top: -35px;

}

You can try different numbers and see what provides the best gap for your page.

Obviously, if you are wanting the header to be further down the put in a lower number. 

Once you are happy with the placement, hit APPLY TO BLOG and you are done!

This is a great way to tighten up your blog and keep readers from having to immediately scroll to see your post.

My only note is that I would caution doing this on blogs with backgrounds, because the header image can bleed over over the top background boarder.

Let me know how this works for you!

3.24.2014

STRESS

Hubby Jack here!

crowd cheers

That’s right, I’m taking a break from not posting and writing a diddy today.

That doesn’t make sense …AND HEY, he’s stealing that “womens talk” thing from ML…even though he created it…he’s stealing it!

Yes to all things and yet, here I am to talk to you about a big issue...No, not people who instagram pictures of their own text messages.

I JUST SENT SUCH A G-D BRILLIANT MESSAGE TO MY SPOUSE, THAT EVERYONE MUST READ IT AND TELL ME HOW WITTY I AM!!

Hey buster, my baby was in that text!

AND…no, not P90X which Holly I did for about 4 minutes until they started doing all these pull ups and crap.  We must be the weird family on the block that doesn't have 5 pull up bars in our living room.  Sorry video instructors from a bad 90’s movie, we are not buying that rubberband pantyhose thing either.

(I'm blurry from going so fast, the camera could barely capture it.)

Today I’m talking about stress…It’s real, we all have it and yet how you deal with it defines you as a person.  Will it cause you to act like a rage monster or will you be the cool duck who lets water slide off your beak or back? (my tribute to Holly's blog...messing up a common saying)

Personally, I usually that talking about stress is like talking about your dreams; it’s only interesting when it’s about you.  When researching, I found a funny quote from Mindy Kaling.

“I do not think stress is a legitimate topic of conversation, in public anyway. No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere. No one is going to say, “Wow, Mindy, you really have it especially bad. I have heard some stories of stress, but this just takes the cake.”

Damn!  A woman’s point of view…now we can’t call him a jerk for saying basically the same thing..and hey fool, you are a man, YOU can’t read something that a woman wrote!  You should be hunting, spitting tobacco, and ignoring us...this is 1955!

So, where do we go from here?  We've all got stress…different levels from different sources.

The steps below are the first things that came up when I Googled "how to deal with stress"…because that's what we all take as fact...whatever the first thing Google brings you...let’s get our relax on!

I will apply these to Holly as she is generally more stressed than I am.

1. Find out where the stress is coming from.

Bam that's easy, ME...the kids, the dog, the internet, Breaking Bad, the Internet speed, snacks, logic, and pants.

2. Exchange attitude for gratitude.

Yeah, I dare any man to ask his wife to start showing some gratitude when she is pissed.  I know the point is trying to see the big picture that life is good, blah blah, but all that shit goes out the window when you're late for work and no one poured you a glass of water.

3. Exercise

This is another trap, as asking someone to exercise is always seen as a way of telling them they NEED to exercise.  Suggesting that your significant other should go to the gym could be the breaking point between homicide and swiss cake rolls. 

4. Express your feelings.

Never an issue...it should be, express your feelings without ripping any new poop-holes. 

All kidding aside, I did find these tips to be useful:

1. Make a prioritized checklist of what needs to be addressed and tackle each item sequentially.
2. Don't be afraid to ask people for help.
3. Know your limits, and guard them.
4. Rest—take breaks, get lots of sleep, and "practice self-soothing."
5. Maintain a healthy diet and exercise routine.
Hey, he's helping us!  He copy and pasted something from Google..what a prince!

Stress can make your life harder, but just remember it's like herpes, we all have it.

That wasn't a cold sore, it was a blister from eating eating Chilli's sizzlin fajitas too fast!

As I have been writing this postc I have realized that stress is trying to write a post while being mindful that everyting you say could offend your wife and her friends...while at the same time trying to be relevant and funny...while taking jabs at people...and still at the same time getting two screaming kids ready for bed as they throw baby powder on the stairs and dog…yes it happened again.


(speaking of Ninja Turtles pajamas, be sure to check out Tim and I's latest podcast about the Ninja Turtles on our show Capes and Whiskey...we have no lives!)

Listen to the show on iTunes, Sticher, YouTube or HERE on the 30 Pop Network!

3.07.2014

CROSS-fit

Sometimes you see a picture of yourself and know that's it's time for a diet....time to start thinking outside of the bun.

That's what got you in this mess...I know Taco Bell's slogan.

I'm currently living by a diet and hating life.

Any amount of self control or moderation is the worst.  I'm an American man, born and raised, so this is not easy.

But, I'm working to get back to a weight that makes me legally "too sexy" in 38 states before I get my own TLC show...however, with my current girth, I'm still considered hot in 5 southern states and much of Canada.

A blog post about weight loss??.. finally some innovation!

That's all I will say about it until I hit my goal the plaster topless pics all over the interwebs, because I never like it when people try to tell you how great healthy living is.

I see it as similar to someone talking to you about religion.

Do you want a to know about this wonderful thing that will give you a great life and make you happy forever??!?!

No weirdo, I just want to wear a hoodie and watch Netflix on Sundays.

But, you will feel so amazing!  You will have energy, meet lots of great people, and feel good about yourself!!!!

I'm fine with myself, I've accepted the all the damage I have done to my body/soul....and I enjoy a lack of social obligations...also, I'm not finished with Sherlock.

Can you imagine if Crossfit people started a church?  The block button on instagram would probably explode.

A Crossfit joke, how dare you!  I did 300 milk jug lunges today, followed by an hour of rolling on the floor, and then I hit an inflatable boat with a pipe...and I feel great!  

I always feel like they give out free cocaine at Crossfit because people are all so excited and enthusiastic about it the exercises.

OR maybe it's just another one of those weight loss pyramid schemes and they are trying to get a free water bottle by bringing in new members.

It just makes sense though, CROSS is in the title and if you ever see Jesus with his shirt off, you can tell he worked out.

Anyway.....I'm eating slightly less and exercising in front of a TV. (please hold your applause until the end of the post)

So, here are things I hate most about being on a diet:

1. PORTION CONTROL


Portion control is bullshit.  It's like the diet scientists were trying to think of some way to punish us.  Instead of snacking on chips I will eat unsalted almonds...I should get 100 skinny points that act of heroism...but, that's not good enough for the PC police...I can only have 7 nuts (I feel like there is a joke in there somewhere).

I want to say F this, I have to do math and eat less??  Throw in a younger Kardashian and it's the 3 things I hate the most...a hate trifecta of biblical proportion...but, small portions, like 1/4 cup, which could never get you full.

I hate you portion control.

2. EXERCISE


I will never be happy to exercise.

It's boring, it's hard, it's expensive...well, unless you exercise like a homeless from the 70's.  I always debate on just starving myself so that I don't have to exercise, but it is very helpful for me to knock off a few lb's.

People at the gym are the worst, just look at IG for proof.....just kidding!

3. VEGETABLES


Veggies also suck.  No flavor, they go bad in an hour and also I hate them.

Any food that merely serves as a spoon for ranch in a tray situation should be questioned.

I could eat 10 million vegetables and not feel full...If anyone says the words "nature's candy" I'm going to lose my mind.

The only good vegetable has a bunch of fat....stupid delicious avocado.

4. WATER


This is my biggest obstacle...I don't like water.

Sure, it's great for bathing and peeing in, but it's a real struggle to drink plain water like a prisoner from biblical times....bread and water was a punishment, now we can't even have the bread from all the gluten.

And there you have it.

Those things are just the tip of the iceberg lettuce, but I know that it will be worth it in a few weeks when I am back to fighting weight...but for now, I hate the world.

(ok, you can stop holding your applause)

2.26.2014

Hello

Well Well Well Well...Well

It's been a while.  Let's see if I still remember how to blog....

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Dang it!  I've lost my moves.

No HJeezy, you must get your powers back!

OK!..(Hubby Jack eats taco)

Quest Bar cookie is an oxymoron. 

He's back!..tell us what has been going on in your life, we are all so interested.

Well, for the past week solid, I have been painting every room of the house.

We know, we read on Holly's blog.


I'm pretty sure the Young House Love couple was asking me for pointers.

Holly continually said the old wall color was "Big Bird" yellow before we painted, as if that was motivation to work 23 hours a day...I've got nothing against Big Bird.

But, what my baby wants, my baby gets.

She also always said the kitchen was "Kermit the Frog" green...I'm just glad we didn't have anything blue because I know she was dying to use, "Cookie Monster" blue...or Grover..or Gonzo..

And we can't forget "Bert's Unibrow" black.



The other really fun thing about painting was taking down and putting back up the whole cluckin chicken collection.

A chicken pun...for shame!


In case you are wondering, yes, Holly has named them all.

We have also dove into the world of organized sports for Have-Man the Glave-Man.

Pre T Ball has started and Haven is having fun learning to throw, hit and pretend to fall down for the amusement of his teammates.

His favorite part so far is getting to drink a lot of Gatorade.  He will be out playing and reach out to me like a man choking in the desert....NEED A DRINK!!! 


As a dad, there are few things more rewarding than watching your son play sports.

I'm so proud of him and know he will bring us many years of joy...and fights with other parents in the stands.

In blog design news, Holly and I are the busiest that we have ever been.

The holiday special price of $55 for a blog design was such a hit that we expanded it for an ad in the Happy Mommy Box magazine and have been honoring that price for all recent designs, and will extend that price for at least another month.

Right now, I'm booking designs for the middle of March.  If you are interested in a design, you can email me at cstanfield3@hotmail.com.

Check out some recent sites in the this week's....


Vanity Talk


Addison wanted a new site to display her passion for beauty products.  We kept the design clean and sleek with an all black theme and open layout.  On her site she writes about new products, fashion trends and gives cosmetic advice.  Head over and check her out!


Leaving the Corner and Dipping My Toes


Natalia is a fashion blogger who came to me with great ideas for a design that fit her style.  For the blog title, we incorporated an ombre sans text and gold foil signature font that compliment each other to provide a nice pop at the top of the page.  Natalia's site features the latest fashion trends and accessories.  Stop by and say hello!

I Dream of Jackie


As her title indicates, Carlye dreams of one day living like Jackie Kennedy.  We brought that clean preppy look to her site, where Carlye writes about training, traveling, and life.  The site is very easy for new readers to navigate and have a few nice pops of color.  Click on her picture to visit her site!

2.13.2014

Sochi it to me

Well here I am back on the blogging horse.

Sidenote, have you ever ridden a horse?

Sounds sexual.

One of my friends in high school had horses (horsi, horsoses?...not sure the plural) but it was as awkward as you can imagine.

I had the impression it would be like sitting on a big moped...smooth ride and easy to navigate like in the movies.


But no, the horse was super bouncy, painful to ride, and did whatever the hell it wanted.

My friend would tell me noises to make and how to hold the mouth ropes (technical horse term), but the horse was just like my kids...it pretended not to hear me and did whatever the hell he wanted and then spilled cereal on my iPad.

I'm surprised people still have horses, other than helping sell beer and staring in TV shows (Mr. Ed anyone?) I don't feel like the need is that great.

Boo this man!  I use my horse every day!

Speaking of unneeded things, the Olympics has begun. (began, begain, beggined?)


In beautiful in Sochi, Russia...a place I'm assuming was named after the main character in Trueblood...I don't know if it's the location or Shaun White getting a haircut, but this Olympics seems to be less exciting....

Maybe I don't feel connected to the winter Olympics because it's a competition for white rich elite people, as training for these sports requires a lot of money and parents who probably force their kids down a ski slope after birth.

Yes, let's all support our athletes, but I think The Walking Dead beating the Olympics in ratings is a sign of disconnect from some people.

Except the Governor!  He's probably all, "Hey guys, let's watch the Olympics!"


And poor Bob Costas with his eye infection.

For probably the biggest broadcast of his life, the poor man has pink eye!


The producer was like, "No Bob, it's cool, just wear glasses....10 billion people probably won't notice it."

Also, the Olympic games are on the heels of football season...and compared to watching the greatest show on turf, seeing 2 guys sweep ice is just not as exciting.


Of course with exception of Cool Runnings.


FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME, COME ON BOYS, IT'S BOBSLED TIME!

I always wondered if the real Jamaican bobsled team saw the movie and were like, "We never said that bullshit!"

But, you have to be impressed with the athletes, because I can't think of anything worse than excising in freezing temperatures.

AND it usually comes down to comparing ourselves to other countries, which we will do anything to say we are the best.

So, if having the best ice dancers gives us a little more swag at the UN meetings, I'm all for that.

USA-USA-USA

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